Do We Believe In Values Anymore?
Do we believe in values anymore?
What should never be acceptable?
Why does it feel like people have no values today? Why does it feel we can just drop someone from our call list with no further explanation? Is there no sympathy towards human emotions anymore? I don’t mean love, just simply person to person interaction.
I met a fantastic man. So, I thought for a moment. Usual scenario in my case. I go on holiday, I meet new people, I enjoy the scenery, weather, good food and nice conversations. Where do I meet those people you might ask? Pretty simple, I use the social media or face to face encounters. You would be surprised how easy it can be, to strike a conversation with a stranger. You just never know when and where you can meet an interesting individual. I met people at the airports, in a queue at a grocery store, at the beach, and so on. They might be 5 minutes conversations, they might be encounters leading to phone number exchange. All I am saying, be prepared to look people in the eye, smile and you might just meet a great friend.
But I still refrain from online dating, as I mentioned before for my own personal reasons, and certainly from Tinder. This is not a place for someone, with quite a questionable self-confidence. I think I am good person, good catch even. Not overly or cocky confident, but I have a bubbly personality, can hold a conversation and don’t even have too high of expectations. Maybe that is the problem? Places like Tinder can ruin one’s ethic code. That’s how I see it. I don’t have an issue with casual encounters, sex adventures or no strings attached relationships. As long as those involved are fully aware of it and accepting of it. I would not be, not at this stage in my life. So why attract drama? I simply do not expect to be judged based on couple pictures, swipe right, swipe left. What has the world of dating come to…if you can call Tinder dating?
Moving on though. I like to meet new people. Strangely, most of the new connections I made in life are men. Alternative motives maybe? I would love to meet new women, make more female friends, but it’s not easy. Women are complicated creatures, they can be suspicious of each other, jealous even? For now, I am concentrating on the male topic. I would like to think, that ordinary friendship, is still possible between male and female. You just have to accept, this is all that it is and be clear about it. Don’t give false hopes to the other party. Whether I meet people on Facebook groups, Instagram, Coachsurfing – they tend to be connections that I already have something in common with. If we are both on a travel related group, cooking class, business network etc, I would like to assume (maybe wrongly), that the common interest is going to make new relation flow. Not necessarily…
I admit, nowadays I do not go to meet new people with hope of any romantic encounters. I just purely would like to meet a like minded person, take it from there, get to know each other, form friendship. I simply know myself, and if I set my expectation too high to soon, those get burst like a balloon. When on holidays or trips away, maybe it will be one-time only scenario – and I mean have a good time, with an interesting person. Not just a man! By having good time, don’t jump straight to conclusion.
On rare occasions, I encounter meeting a man that is feeling a bit different. He catches my attention straight away. There is what they call in books connection, a spark. I can recognise this. I enjoy the conversation. It was the same with THIS guy. Maybe he even is reading this note. Maybe he can take a lesson from it (I Hope). It was one of those slow motion moments. Our eyes caught, and I knew instantly, I had a soft spot for him. We had so much to chat about, so much in common, we both had none ending flow of thoughts. And a bonus – he was handsome, fantastic, big, genuine smile. I could sense warmth, kindness, happiness and will for life from him. Do you know what else suggest that he was different in my eyes from other men? I cannot remember much of those long conversations, I remember pictures in my head, emotions, sensations but not actual words. I think I might be an endless romantic after all.
Should red light switch on at this point? Take a step back Mal, this is not a Hollywood movie and you are not playing a lead role. I obviously did not start imagining our life’s together with a group of children just yet. Simply enjoyed the moment. The trouble with me is, when I do like someone, I will get a little stiff. I am afraid of embarrassing myself, and even worse – rejection. Strangely only when a “romance” is on cards. Any other public situation, count me in. I have no issue with speaking publicly, making presentations, asking for help. But when my own feelings are about to be exposed, I am STUCK. Simply negative experiences from the past, rather than making me stronger, make me close myself more. That is something I must work on and overcome. I cannot put everyone in one basket, and any experience in my life can be turned into a lesson. And all lessons are positive right, we learn all our lives.
Going back to my meeting, that turned to be a date I say. I was glad, that he was confident enough to take a lead. What I read as confidence – from work career (very impressive), family oriented man, who is not afraid to share stories of his close relatives and show few photos at the same time. Please note, still no alert at this time, and why would I get concerned? Should I have worried at the point he stood up and kissed me? No, because all I could feel is the mix of joy, softness and something that was missing for way too long – closeness with a man.
Oh god, I do not like to show affection in public, but what the hell maybe I have met someone valuable, who I have connection with, we share similar passions and ambitions. Yes, my endless romantic soul started waking up again. Scary situation as my mind was overruled by my heart.
Without going into too much detail, we ended up having a fantastic night. Really good time, connection, passion and closeness. Since I had few more days there, he was making it clear to me how keen he is on meeting again for dinner, coffee, spend a little more time together in between his work before we part ways. How quick he was to commit to coming and visiting me in UK and elsewhere I might be. How impressed he was that I am a confident, independent woman that is not looking for someone to take care of me. And then it all took a turn by 180 or maybe 360 degrees. Somehow that dinner never happened – conference call with USA and time difference? The coffee did not happen either – work till late, no lunch break?
He did still make an effort to message and even call, for a nice chat. All good, I was pretty happy to be carrying on with this newfound connection. I don’t want to say relation/relationship – English language I found, is very limited, when it comes to describing relations between people. I would not describe this as acquaintance, but neither friend at this stage. So, what was this?
What my plan was you might ask, as you probably already know where I am going with this. My plan was to talk more, find out about each other, carry on with day to day life, after all we both have busy lives. Would that stop me from forming a connection? No, I am really excited for the opportunity. I was. It died pretty quickly. I can also understand this to a degree. Not everyone is prepared to work on building something more meaningful, especially long distance. I personally feel, long distance is a proof or true commitment to relations, connections, friendships – with friends, families not just boyfriends/girlfriends. You have to make a real effort, and only the strongest bonds will survive.
The problem I have with this example, of another failed encounter, is the way it was handled. I do not accept people just ghosting me. When they, out of nowhere, stop replying to messages, stop answering calls, and disappear with no further explanation nor Cia/Bye/Au revoir? My initial questions on top of this note relates to this. Where are the values? In what world, is this acceptable to just go quiet, no nothing, no explanation, no response. Do we not owe people a little decency? When you start sensing, thay they might have been lying to you all this time. Maybe he was not even single – even though to my face he said he was. Maybe he was not thinking all those nice things about me. Maybe he had agenda all this time. Maybe this is the usual style of quick dating, no pressure as those girls go home. Maybe he realised there is too much work/effort involved. Maybe, maybe, maybe. Too many maybes with no answers. And this is my dear reader, what bothers me the most. Not the guy, not even the situation. But lack of answers.
I do not hold grudges, I don’t hate him. I was sad. I was sad with myself, because it really shouldn’t matter. Maybe I should take just the enjoyable and nice memory of it, and keep it close to myself. But what I really don’t accept in human behaviour, is ignorance. From a man who presented himself professionally, to this purely rude behaviour. I don’t accept that from a man, woman, family or work member. These should be most simple rules, anyone with good manners would not treat another person like this.
That is the lesson I took from it. It is ok to enjoy yourself, have a nice time and be open to people. What would it change if I was wary of everyone? Another lesson would be, to not take everything so personally, allow myself to detach from a situation and accept it. Believe in myself and know my worth. A bit of disappointment, sadness and anger even is ok. It’s ok to discuss the situation and ask the questions, but I need to know I will probably never get the answers for those questions.
I wish this guy all the best, despite of the rude behaviour. Maybe one day he will understand and learn there are better ways to handle relations. Or maybe not. All I know, I am excited to meet the next one – maybe I will even send him to my blog first, so there is no misunderstanding 😉
Wishing you all lots of happy HUMANLY encounters!